Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
