im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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