i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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