FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
