I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
