Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
