She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
