Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
