insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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