i just sent this text using only my big toe
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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