Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
