A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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