I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
