Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
