Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
