Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
