I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
