How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
