He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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