i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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