she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
