There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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