I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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