turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
