Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
