I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
