i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
