So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
