If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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