My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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