All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
