dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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