Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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