he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
