can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
