I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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