Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
