if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
