You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My Higher Power is John Stamos
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
