Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
