i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
