i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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