those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
