did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
