I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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