i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
