If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. đ
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick âmy pegasusâ weâre not friends anymore
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isnât very good.
Randomize
