You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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