We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
