I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
