My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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