My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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